Angel Announcements


Yesterday morning another person tried to get me to come to Jesus while on the Metro. Is this happening to anyone else every week? I’m beginning to wonder if these people follow me around because they know I’m such a heathen or if there really are that many people concerned with the afterlives of their fellow commuters.

This woman was very calculated with her Evangelical choices. I had just stepped onto the train when the conductor announced that we would be delayed at the station for an indeterminate length of time due to a request from the control center. The Metro service is notorious for its incredibly unhelpful broadcasts and this one was no different. We all groaned and picked up our phones. He also said that the train doors would remain open until it was time for us to leave the station. So, did this woman start her pitch once his announcement stopped? No, of course not. She sat there like she was just another slightly annoyed transit rider. Once the doors closed, she stood up and started talking about what we needed to do to save ourselves. I couldn’t hear much of what she said after the first few words, because I turned up my music immediately and drowned her out with a song featuring some empowered woman and a lot of obscenities.

When the doors opened, she got out and moved along to the next car to save those other tired souls just trying to make it to work. I was glad she left because my blaring headphones were started to give me a headache and I think I woke up the man sleeping next to me. Or maybe it was all her yelling about her lord and savior, I can’t be sure.

The next time this happens I’m going to stand up and make my own announcement. I’ll tell everyone, “Excuse me, fellow metro-riders. I’d just like you all to know that NASA has successfully completed a test on an engine they hope will one day bring humans to Mars. This is not an attempt to convince you that we will all need to move to Mars based on End of Days fear tactics. This is simply an announcement to inform you of something cool that happened in the world of science this week. Also, there’s a great sale on strawberries at the Safeway in Southeast.”

People will probably still avert their eyes and wish I would get off the train, but it will help in two ways—I’ll be able to pass on pertinent scientific news to fellow commuters and I might learn to sympathize with the Evangelicals who interrupt the dance parties in my head each week. Win-win.

Leave a comment. Just try it. It will be fun, I swear.