The Truest Love


If you find yourself in a situation resembling a disaster film, be it natural or supernatural, its best to be part of a budding relationship. From my very extensive research, I’ve determined that this is the clearest way to ensure survival. Or be the most beautiful person in the group (in a girl next-door, non-threatening kind of way), which is really not in the cards for me.

While it’s a good time to start an innocent romance, you definitely don’t want to be in a relationship plagued with serious emotional issues—even heartfelt, worthwhile ones. This includes on-again-off-again soul mates. That’s gonna require a tearful heart-to-heart while one of you is taking your last breath and it’s a bad move to risk being on the wrong end of that scenario.

What you should do is find someone gorgeous with whom you can quickly fall in love. It’s a bonus if one of you is in a relationship with a selfish jerk when the catastrophe goes down. Said jerk will then die in an unimportant way. At that point, you will recognize something in one another, but be unable to connect. Whatever you do—DO NOT fully realize the depths of your love until just before an unexpected turn of events or immediately after disaster is averted. If you do, you risk sullying the pure, virtuous love you’ve built together.

If you don’t want to survive, be in a kind, devoted, and long-term relationship. One of you will definitely have to sacrifice yourself and that’s not a recipe for lasting happiness. I realize this analysis doesn’t bode well for Dave and I, but I stand behind it.


Leave a comment. Just try it. It will be fun, I swear.