Whale Man


I watched the movie Ant Man this week, because I like Paul Rudd. It was a classic male-centric super hero film and had only a bit of the actor’s typical hilarity, so I was disappointed. It got me thinking, though, about what species I would like to control, if given the choice.

Dave went with cockroaches, because there are so many of them and they’re indestructible. I think that makes sense, except cockroaches are super gross. I think maybe elephants would be a good choice. Or rhinos. Or whales. Or maybe just dogs, because they seem to be everywhere but aren’t disgusting insects that crawl through your pipes.

If I could control all the dogs in the world, I would tell them to rise up and snuggle on people with cold, dangerous, hateful hearts, because who can be mean when they’re snuggling a puppy. But just in case you all think I’m a selfless do-gooder, I would also convince them to steal me bags of sour patch kids and bark at neighbors I dislike. Life is all about balance.

Leave a comment. Just try it. It will be fun, I swear.