Murder-Free Holiday


Today was Columbus Day. I celebrated by staying home, going grocery shopping, and taking a walk. At my last job, we didn’t get Columbus Day off, because there was no celebrating of genocide. Not that I’m against that. We can all agree genocide is the worst, right? Let’s just build off that foundation.

Since I hate genocide but like days off, I think we should replace all the holidays that celebrate genocidal maniacs with people worth honoring. We can start with changing Columbus Day, as many cities have done, to Indigenous People’s Day. But I say we don’t stop there. We could go big—International Peaceworkers of the World Day—or small—National Pleasant Coworkers Day. I want holidays for puppies, hummus, and water balloons.

It’s hard to get a new holiday to catch on, so we’ll all need to really get behind it. I figure if we can stand behind a colonialist murderer, we can stand behind a whole bunch of really kind, thoughtful people. And if that’s not enough, we can supplement the day with gifts and mashed potatoes.

Leave a comment. Just try it. It will be fun, I swear.