Livin’ the Panda Life

I’ve been watching a lot of baby panda videos. They’re ridiculous and adorable. I’m just ridiculous, but I do think we still have plenty in common. Here’s are just a few ways we’re alike:

1. I make sure to stay a little squishy to prevent serious harm from my many accidents.
2. I tend to walk around without looking where I’m going.
3. I’m annoyingly persistent.
4. I wear a lot of black and white.
5. I eat mostly green things.
6. Sometimes I fall down and it takes me an unusually long amount of time to get back up.
7. I like to sit around all day and look at stuff.

So I’m pretty much a giant panda, and I’m now in the market for a team of caretakers who will throw apples at my face and carry me around. Generous benefit package if you’re into chopping down bamboo and having someone cling to your leg all day.

While You Were Out

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I’ve been away for a while, both from this blog and from home. I know you’ve been wishing I was here posting my thoughts and sending them out to the interwebs. There was nothing that could be done though, I was just too busy with all kinds of wild and crazy things. What wild and crazy things, you say? Here’s an incomplete list:

  1. Eating fancy donuts in New York from a food truck I’d been trying to find for literally years. I think this means I’ve accomplished all I can this summer.
  2. Eating non-fancy but delicious bagels in New York, because New York.
  3. Eating bad fake meatloaf in San Francisco. I thought San Francisco was supposed to be the hipster capital of the country, but I was wrong. Turns out, it’s mostly just people who think they’re modern geniuses.
  4. Eating great tacos in San Francisco. I considered smuggling the tortillas home with me but they snuck into my belly too fast.

Ok, let’s be honest here. I’ve been doing a lot of eating. We can move on. Here are some non-food related activities:

  1. Binge-watching a great show on Netflix about people getting sucked into an alternate universe. Consequently, watching the lights flicker in my house suspiciously.
  2. Catching Pokemon, obviously.
  3. Avoiding a stranger who decided he’d like to take a walk with me for “no reason.” I don’t think so, stranger. I know that reason and I’m not about to get kidnapped by some creepy dude. ABV. (That means Always Be Vigilant. I made it up just now but it’s legit.)
  4. Spending the night at the St. Louis airport, freezing and uncomfortable. Then spending the day in my tiny house, warm and cozy.
  5. Melting away in the swamp that is my city. For some reason, this melting isn’t helping me get in any better shape.
  6. Fighting the final throes of a battle against a nerve-attacking bacteria that really wanted to make its way to my brain. After the donuts, this is probably my second biggest accomplishment of the summer.
  7. Planning an end-of-summer trip for Dave and I to check out from the world and wander the forests of the Pacific Northwest like dirty hippies.
  8. Avoiding aggressive raccoons. Don’t worry, full story on these dangerous beasts to come.

So that’s just a snippet of what’s been keeping me from the internets these past couple weeks. Luckily, I’m now home and attached to technology, so here I am. You can end all hunger strikes and search parties. If you didn’t even noticed my absence, congratulations on having a full and adjusted life. You don’t have it rub it in by gloating to the rest of us. Jeez. Show a little compassion.

Bear Bait

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Last weekend Dave and I went camping to celebrate the wedding of some lovely friends. We stayed in cabins, danced in the woods, and ate blueberry pancakes. It was wonderful, but I almost died. A lot. It turns out that while I love the wilderness, it does not love me. Here are just a few ways it tried to kill me:

  1. A spider the size of my palm attempted to bunk with me. Dave spotted the huge, hairy intruder right before we went to sleep. He’d probably been living there for awhile and thought we were the intruders. I tried to explain to him kindly that we needed to stay there for the night. I told him I respected him and his value in nature, but I really just didn’t want to share a bedroom with him. I asked if he could kindly please leave. He didn’t listen. It was super rude. He just laid there and stared up at me with his million tiny eyes. Seeing that the dialogue wasn’t getting us anywhere, I decided I had to take more assertive action. I captured him and released him nicely into the woods. Ok, it was not so nice. I captured him, walked outside to release him nicely, but I forgot the flashlight, so I got scared and just flung him away from me and ran away. I was afraid he would return for his revenge, but I woke up unscathed the next morning, so I guess he found another home.
  2. I almost died of a burst bladder both nights we were at the cabins, since I was too afraid to leave the cabin the middle of the night. This was at least partly fueled by the giant spider incident.
  3. When packing up our things on Sunday morning, we noticed a group of wasps outside the cabin. And then inside the cabin. And then we found their home hanging off the roof of the cabin. We decided it would be best to leave and never return.

On a non-wilderness-related note, I also went into a mild sugar coma from the pounds of carrot cake, late night s’mores, and cherry chocolate ice cream I consumed over the weekend. I think I still might be in a sort of sleepwalking state as I type this. It’s not pleasant, but given the opportunity, I’m sure I’d do it again.

Overall, I’d say the outdoor adventure was a success, given that I’m still alive and I wasn’t eaten by a bear. That’s pretty much my measure of success for all activities.