I’ve started a new running app because I’m constantly trying to trick my brain into thinking exercise is a good idea. This one drops me in the middle of a zombie apocalypse and requires that I run around the woods collecting supplies, saving people, and luring zombies away from our township. I’ve learned a few things about myself during this process:
- If we’re in some kind of 28 Days Later running-zombies situation, I have no chance of survival. The app intermittently requires that I run from zombies that are chasing me and I just have to speed up to evade them. In reality, zombies aren’t like, “Oh, you are really putting in a good effort. I’ll slow down to match your pace.” Nope, they would just be like, “Nice. This girl’s legs are so short and stumpy. She’s going to be slow and delicious.” ***
- Clothing items are not a high priority for me in a disaster situation. Every time I pick up a pair of trousers (silly English folk), I’m resentful of the imaginary space they’re taking up in my pack. These people just need to keep their clothes in better condition. A stitch in time saves nine, guys.
- No real life scenario can motivate me to move like dehydration-induced hallucinations of being torn apart by the undead.
- Since no one else can hear Ground Control in my headphones, people seem to assume I’m a moderately insane woman and step aside when I yell, “Zombie Chase!” and sprint down the sidewalk past them.
***Obviously I know that a zombie doesn’t have a functioning left frontal lobe and therefore doesn’t have that kind of language control, but I think the basic instinctual message would be the same.