I recently had to change my retirement account. And by “I had to change it,” I mean, I got a message that I didn’t understand, so I forwarded it to Dave and he did some stuff on the computer. Good thing I have a professional in the house.
Despite not being interested in the details, I’m excellent at choosing investments. I know this because I’ve had minor short-term success on a couple random choices. My secret is my tried and true stock-selection methodology. First, find something that you’ve heard of. Second, look at the zig-zag lines and make sure they are generally trending upward for a couple years. Third, check that the company isn’t super skeezy.
Here are some things I plan to invest in:
- A company that sells gummi candy in barrels
- A robot start-up (I am not so much interested in robots as I am in getting insider information, so I can know when the uprising will start)
- A unicycle manufacturer, because there won’t be any competition when they come back in style
- A collective that knits head-to-toe sweaters, with hoods and slippers. Basically, sweaters that turn you into a flying squirrel.
- A pottery shop that creates bowls with quotes encouraging seconds, like “Have just a bit more.” and “You’re looking a little too thin.”
- A ninja delivery system. Literally people dressed as ninjas who leave you presents.
And if these endeavors turn out to be duds, at least I’ll be well-prepared to join a circus run by sweater-wearing robots riding unicycles and eating sweets.