Goals: Meh


It’s New Year’s Eve, which means we all need to start thinking about the ways in which we are falling short of our own unreasonably high expectations. It’s an important time of year. We participate in the time-honored tradition of ignoring what is already amazing and focusing only on minor flaws. Really, if you haven’t figured out the ways in which you’re failing by now, you need to put “adjust my life goals” on your list of resolutions.

Deep in our brains, we know that life is going to be ok without six pack abs or a new dress, but for some reason we just keep on wanting them. It’s hard to say no to those little voices. For a first step, let’s recognize that our expectations are being negatively influenced by nonsense.

Here are a few things that are messing with us:

  1. Your Pinterest collection of paleo-vegan-sugarless meals
  2. The Kardashian crew’s naked and photoshopped Instagram uploads
  3. Your very successful, beautiful, and kind cousin living in the big city
  4. Babies wearing infant versions of designer clothing you can’t afford
  5. Real estate listings for stylishly designed mansions near your studio apartment

Now I’m all for working to improve oneself. I think we should try to do it everyday, regardless of the earth’s position in its rotation around the sun. But we can be both kind to ourselves and look forward to our awesome futures.

Here are some ways I think we can continue on our path of greatness during the coming solar rotation:

  1. Learn how to say “what’s up” in a few more languages
  2. Learn how to say “no, thank you, good bye” in a few more languages
  3. Eat more things that come right from the earth
  4. Also eat things that make our brains happy, like those gummy fruit squares from Trader Joe’s
  5. Wear something outrageous, but act like it’s totally normal
  6. Give ourselves permission to fail sometimes
  7. Also give ourselves permission to say, “yeah, I did that” when we succeed
  8. Keep moving our bodies
  9. Take care of ourselves by doing things like eating soup, wearing warm coats, and walking home with a friend
  10. Connect with people we love and who love us
  11. Disconnect from people who aren’t helping us be awesome
  12. Hug a tree or a koala or a friend (Note: before hugging a koala, make sure it doesn’t have chlamydia, because apparently they do and one of your goals should NOT be to get chlamydia from a marsupial)

I could go on and on, which would be boring for everyone. What’s important to remember is the internet is lying to us. Don’t trust it. Except if you’re looking up your symptoms on WebMD and it says you have an illness only contracted in a jungle 4,000 miles from you, then it’s definitely right.

One thought on “Goals: Meh

  1. Absolutely! “Keep moving” is the best resolution of all, since it includes the body and the mind and the soul and the heart. Wait! Wait! The heart shouldn’t move; it should stay steadily committed to whomever it loves.

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